Escaping Behavior Modification: How I Found Freedom on the Narrow Path

Yesterday, I binged The Wheel of Time Season 1, and it was just as good as I remembered—maybe even better. I found myself picking up little details I’d missed the first time around. And as I sat there, enjoying it, I felt something settle in me. Gratitude. Gratitude that I can simply enjoy things again. Fantasy worlds, pop music, even cannabis—all things that used to be tied up with guilt and questioning. And yet, here I am, knowing deep down that God isn’t sitting there with a checklist, disapproving. He’s simply glad I’m living fully, with joy.

It’s funny how quiet realizations come to us sometimes. I never had an outright conversation with Jesus about these things, but I’ve sensed His presence whispering, “Live. Enjoy. Be free.” Not everything is a spiritual test. Some things are just… life.

What I learned from certain church traditions and voices over the years, both white evangelical and Black gospel spaces, was behavior modification. The unspoken rules: Act like this so God can love you, or act like that to prove you’re truly saved. But no matter how much I tried to get it “right,” I never quite felt saved. Never enough. That’s the trap of behavior modification—you never know when enough is enough.

Looking back on my last schizophrenic psych episode, it hits me now: I was living in a high-control environment, a kind of "cult of one." My eating, sleeping, bathing, even my thoughts—all dictated by fear and delusion.

When I listen to the loud voices around me—or even inside me—that demand I behave a certain way, I get tangled up. I juggle plates, try to please everyone, and end up hurting someone in the process, usually myself. The brokenness that follows? That’s sin to me—when relationships fracture, when I’m disconnected from love, from others, from God.

But when I follow Jesus simply—when I love well, give generously, show kindness, and stand firm in truth—that’s walking the narrow path. It’s not about perfect behavior; it’s about relationship. With God. With others. With myself.

And that’s enough.